Sunday, November 28, 2010

My family, November 2010

Everything has changed. Everything. I publicly announced on my blog on several different occasions 6/2008; 7/2008; 10/2008; 11/2008; 9/2009; 10/2009) of my personal desire, hope, dream, and prayer for getting pregnant again to become a reality. I've had this discussion with my family & friends more times than I can count. And finally, finally it seemed like having another baby would become a reality. And just when we had worked out the details of caring for Becca & Mary-Gail during the daytime, and while I was on bedrest; and just when we had the money saved; just when I started the medicine for In-vitro Fertlization again, and had gotten on the calendar...nope.

Yes, my heart still aches for something that I'll never be able to do again. I would say to myself, "'When I'm pregnant again, I'll do this & that differently," or "When my child doesn't eat this time around, I won't go into panic mode (Becca & Mary-Gail were "sleepers" - not "eaters" - & I was constantly worried about it). I also said I would forget about buying all the silly toys for the babies/toddlers and just buy doggie toys (doggie toys are perfect for child development, believe it or not). And I'd handle potty-training differently, and wouldn't be so freakish about winter weather. Well, I don't get a second time around. I only have this time now. And I'm grateful for that realization, because I'm shifting everything I have, all my energies, to focus on the family I have now. Not to say that I still don't morn or think about the tragic loss of my dream of prenancy and more children (and the loss of my cervix & uterus), because I guarantee this won't be the last post about those losses. But I have an abundance of blessings from the children I have now: my two daughters. I have my brown-eyed, blonde-hair Rebecca LaRae; I have my blue-eyed, brown-hair Mary-Gail Darleen. They are mine forever, and I am their mother forever.

I am a mother. My greatest blessing, and my greatest accomplishment.

My family

3 comments:

The Bradys said...

Amanda,

I hope you know how much I look up to you. I can't imagine what you are going through and yet you show so much excitement for me and others. I don't understand how you can be so happy for others when your trials seem so unbearable. Know that my heart aches for you. You are continually in my thoughts and prayers. And I love LOVE LOVE to see you and your cute girls' smiling faces at church!

Love,
Deborah

Ann said...

Beautifully said Amanda!

Cherish Yesterday said...

Aunt Amanda I just don't know what to say ecxept that I in every way look to you as one of the greatest examples I have in my life. You are an amazing example of strength. I love you so much and Have always idolized the way you are and the way you raise your babies. I love you Aunt Amanda, let me know if you need anything and I am there!!
Steph

Kemp Kuties on the Charleston Pier

Kemp Kuties on the Charleston Pier
September 2007