Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Continued from earlier post

...Wednesday, September 27, 2006, exactly one year from today, was the hardest day I had so far. The impact of what just happened hit me like shock waves: I was centimeters away from loosing my babies! Sure, I cried in the office on Monday when I was informed we were dilated and Twin A was coming. But for some unknown reason I was trying to be strong for everyone - to console them, to tell them it was going to be OK.

Wednesday's nurse wasn't great either. Nicole would be my day nurse again that week, and she was a miserable, apathetic person. She moved me to another room on the Labor & Delivery floor (without telling me first) because someone who was actually delivering needed that room; she spoke over me to the other nurses in my room as if I wasn't even there. Thank goodness for my family who was with me day and night. I had Joanna & Mom turn my bed the other direction - I didn't want to watch TV (I hadn't watched TV since being put on bedrest) - I just wanted to look out the windows and lay on my left side.

I hadn't really come to grips that I was pregnant yet. I mean, I had to give myself shots every day for 10 weeks (progesterone to keep my uterine lining thick so the fertilized egg would implant and be "fed"), I had bled from weeks 8-10, and then began having contractions at week 17. It didn't feel like I was pregnant and I guess I wanted to "protect" myself from getting my hopes up and from getting hurt. I know that sounds crazy, but it's taken me a whole year to say that, and to come to grips with that too. I was going through the 5 stages of grief that 1st week in the hospital, and hit stage 1 & 2 on Wednesday: Denial and Anger. My Denial stage hit me on Wednesday morning, and my Anger stage hit me Wednesday around 6 pm.


Mom and I were talking about her pregnancy experiences. With her permission I'll share her story: Mom had 3 children and was pregnant with No. 4. She was due in January 1975. Mom was nearing the end of her pregnancy and didn't feel her baby move. She saw the doctor who tried to find the baby's heartbeat, but could not. He told her that there wasn't a lot he could do (this was before ultrasounds and inductions). Mom carried her baby, who had died, for 2 weeks before delivering her. Elizabeth Ann Brown was a stillborn. Mom didn't even get to see her - the doctor and nurses wouldn't let her b/c they said it wasn't a good idea. Dad said Elizabeth had lots of dark, black hair, but even he didn't get to hold her. During that time, that was standard practice. Mom was put on Valium. She didn't know who took care of Kristie, Jason, and Joshua. In fact, Mom says she didn't remember the next 3 weeks. People at church and those who knew her didn't know what to say. One minute you're pregnant, then next you're not, and your baby has died.

Having this conversation with Mom and hearing her tell her story, made me so, so, so sad, and so, so angry. Why would that happen? How could anyone let that happen? Why was this happening to me? Dr. Grover said I'd be on bedrest the remainder of my pregnancy, and she hoped we would get to 24 weeks. That's when we'd have a 50/50 chance of survival.

I was discharged on Saturday, September 30th after spending 5 nights & 6 days in the hospital. I was still pregnant. I spent the remaining 10 weeks on permanent bedrest at home. I had days where I revisited the Denial and Anger stages. But I mainly hung onto the Bargaining stage. My bargaining with my Heavenly Father lasted through 27 wks. I was re-admitted to the hospital the day after Thanksgiving, Friday, November 24, 2006, for bleeding and leaking amniotic fluid. The girls were delivered by emergency C-section 3 days later, Monday, November 27, 2006 at 27wks 3/7 days.

(the stitch that held the babies; Carly, Carol, Tony, Mom, Me - dilated to 3 cm; Dr. George Gourley (my uncle) & Dr. Glenn (right) delivering Twin A, Rebecca LaRae, 1 lbs 13 oz)