My family, November 2010

Everything has changed. Everything. I publicly announced on my blog on several different occasions 6/2008; 7/2008; 10/2008; 11/2008; 9/2009; 10/2009) of my personal desire, hope, dream, and prayer for getting pregnant again to become a reality. I've had this discussion with my family & friends more times than I can count. And finally, finally it seemed like having another baby would become a reality. And just when we had worked out the details of caring for Becca & Mary-Gail during the daytime, and while I was on bedrest; and just when we had the money saved; just when I started the medicine for In-vitro Fertlization again, and had gotten on the calendar...nope.

Yes, my heart still aches for something that I'll never be able to do again. I would say to myself, "'When I'm pregnant again, I'll do this & that differently," or "When my child doesn't eat this time around, I won't go into panic mode (Becca & Mary-Gail were "sleepers" - not "eaters" - & I was constantly worried about it). I also said I would forget about buying all the silly toys for the babies/toddlers and just buy doggie toys (doggie toys are perfect for child development, believe it or not). And I'd handle potty-training differently, and wouldn't be so freakish about winter weather. Well, I don't get a second time around. I only have this time now. And I'm grateful for that realization, because I'm shifting everything I have, all my energies, to focus on the family I have now. Not to say that I still don't morn or think about the tragic loss of my dream of prenancy and more children (and the loss of my cervix & uterus), because I guarantee this won't be the last post about those losses. But I have an abundance of blessings from the children I have now: my two daughters. I have my brown-eyed, blonde-hair Rebecca LaRae; I have my blue-eyed, brown-hair Mary-Gail Darleen. They are mine forever, and I am their mother forever.

I am a mother. My greatest blessing, and my greatest accomplishment.

My family