This morning I found myself completely overwhelmed, stressed-out, frustrated, and exhausted. I sat at the computer printing off the measly number of orders we had this morning (this time last year we averaged 30+/day, and today we only had 6), and I just burst into tears. Thoughts flooded my mind, and I just couldn't suppress them anymore. "It was the straw that broke the camel's back." The question "WHY?" popped into my head and I struggled to force it out. I never like thinking about "why?" It just doesn't do any good to think about that.
Becca & Mary-Gail were close by playing in Daddy's "toys" (read: tools & machines), and they surrounded me in their arms. My 3 1/2 year olds all-of-a-sudden turned into 30-year olds consoling their sobbing mother. Becca said, "Momma, it's OK. Don't cry - I love you," and Mary-Gail said, "Ma, don't be sad. Be happy!" I momentarily forgot that they were too young to understand the weight of my sadness and spilled out all of my emotions, rambling on-and-on. All the while Becca's little body sat on my lap while she patted my back, and Mary-Gail's arms were around my neck - her head buried next to mine.
I'm in survival mode right now. Just barely getting by. Oh sure - if you saw me at work, or at church, or at the grocery store - I'd give you my best smile and pull on the facade I've been so good at showing. And most of the time, that's OK. For me I have to "trick" myself into believing. My reserves have been depleted and I'm all done. For month's I've blamed this on my depression coupled with seasonal depression, but, let's be honest - the snow from April 1st snow storm has already melted and the sun is out. And I did get a super-boost charge from Sunday's General Conference. But,...
Yesterday I spontaneously purchased a flight to see my baby sister in Phoenix. I mean, I thought about it around 9am, and by 2pm I had the e-ticket. I fly out tomorrow. Thankfully, family stepped in to care for R&MG while I'm gone, and I couldn't be more blessed to have such wonderful family - Aunt Carol & Travis , YOU ARE THE BEST! I feel like I'm running away in a sense, but don't worry - I made sure to buy a Round-Trip ticket so I would come back.
Lovey and I used to talk and dream about selling everything, buying an RV, and traveling with the dogs and the girls. We'd joke and say things like, "Yeah, and when we run out of money, we'll just work at the local gas station until we get enough for gas, and then we'll move on to the next stop." I'm not joking anymore - I want to do it.
Kemp Kuties on the Charleston Pier
September 2007
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6 comments:
oh you sweet thing!!! I am so sorry that things have not been good. You are a pretty good faker but I had a feeling that something was not that great. I hope you know that you are one of the most amazing people I know. You have been through so much and you still pick yourself up and keep going. It's ok to not be at the top of your game. We have all been there. The thing that I have found myself saying is keep your eye on the most important things the rest will eventually fall into place. All this things that we go through give us experience so that we can succor someone else when they go through these same experiences. You will have true empathy when someone you love experiences the hidious things in life. I pretty much love your guts!!! Hang in there my friend:)
Hi Amanda...I miss talking to you. You are a wonderful person and I hope that things will start looking up soon. Like your friend said, we have all had those days, weeks, and even longer when you wonder "why". For some reason we have to go through these not so fun times in our lives...we just hope it doesn't last too long and that brighter/happier times are soon at hand. Love ya
Oh Amanda, I feel you. I am glad you bought that ticket--going someplace else sounds great and you'll come home hopefully recharged. I wish I were there to really be your friend and offer any kind of help. MIss you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Believe me, I've been there. So glad you bought that ticket.
Richard and I have always say we are going to buy a fishing boat in Mexico.
Come over for a hug and an open ear ANYTIME.
amanda, i hope you have a wonderful, freeing, settling time with your little sis, the one & only car in phx. let's just face it...life can knock us down sometimes, punch us in the gutt & once that subsides, give you a little kick at the ankles & you fall flat on your butt. the thing about it is...that is what life is about...trying to get ourselves up, dust ourselves off, pushing ourselves beyond our own capablities, never giving up, remembering to accentuate the positive, and honoring & cherishing moments that mean the most to us because we never know if we can get them back. where there is a will, there is a way. as a little lady i luved once said, be clicko my friend...good things are always right around the bin.
Miss Manda - You are amazing. You are entitled to have a break down! You are such a sweet special woman & I LOVE the fact that I can call you my friend. Life can get so scary sometimes and that overwhelming feeling to throw up and cry usually goes with it (for me anyway.) Take care of yourself girlie. Life will get better. :)
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